pesto

the boys wanted to make pesto:

whole wheat pasta with fresh pesto & salad greens from the garden

 

morning

today i woke up at 5:15am.  it’s summertime and the chickens were making a ruckus.  my first inclination was to feel annoyed, but now that i’m up, i feel pretty happy.  i turned 35 a week ago…and not very gracefully.  this birthday came on the wings of a big family transition and i’ve been feeling lost & sad.  i am hoping to bottle the peace & simplicity of this morning and have it sustain me all day.  and maybe even tomorrow too?

clean the refrigerator, damn it!

change is good, right?  i started the happiness project by gretchen rubin.  so far so good, although i had to shed my dour countenance.  i am really trying to believe that what is coming is better than what has been.  it’s difficult.  when you are really on the edge, cleaning the refrigerator works wonders.  it’s a step in the right direction & i now know exactly where the wine is.

recognition.

i am staring myself down today.  remembering choices and assigning blame.  i generally dwell in a place that forgives…where life experience is valued, despite the hardships endured.  today i am thinking about time passed and opportunities wasted, never realized.  i marvel at my own fear and wonder if this will be the year to break those bonds?  in many ways i have lived the unconventional life and yet now it just seems like a sad excuse, a way to glorify bad choices.  my neuroses are prolific. i am afraid of public expression, regardless of the form.  i am afraid of judgment.

i should be gardening…

today i am in conflict.  i went on a 5 mile run this morning.  that felt great.  i took frankie to her 18 month check up and when i returned home she went down for a nap.  perfect, right?  i constantly struggle with being at home with my child.  i feel fortunate…so fortunate that i feel guilty 90% of the time.  when the boys were wee ones, i had a pet sitting business and i worked with them strapped to my back much of the day.  so, i constantly feel guilty…despite the fact that parenting all day (and a baby!) is super hard work.  anyhow, i had a list of things to do. 1) sewing projects 2) gardening (moving 2 yds of dirt from driveway to garden beds) 3) finishing chris guillebeau’s the art of non-conformity (totally awesome book, ironically about moving forward).  i spent the first hour of frankie’s nap checking my email (technically in the work category/all oya no kai, inc. crap) and then spent another wasted half hour thinking about the 3 things at the top of my list.  finally, in complete conflict, i turned to this.  writing about my conflict to avoid tasks at hand.  ahhh, i feel somewhat better now.  the baby just woke up, so i will leave with pictures of my garden…maybe that will motivate me.

Here are the garden beds we built a few weeks ago:

Here is a view from my studio:

the great westwind extravaganza

this was our third year at westwind.  the first year i was newly pregnant, feeling ill & fragile.  the second year frankie was incredibly needy & aidan was having breakdowns every 30 seconds.  this year was truly amazing.  micah and i traded franks back and forth seamlessly, aidan had an emotionally even experience and ethan i saw only briefly during meals.  sarah, alison, teresa and i hiked up to high meadow on saturday.  my awesome ladies watched frankie for me on sunday so i could hike cascade head child free!  all in all we enjoyed ourselves immensely and i look forward to next year! a very special thank you to steve.