the boys wanted to make pesto:
today i woke up at 5:15am. it’s summertime and the chickens were making a ruckus. my first inclination was to feel annoyed, but now that i’m up, i feel pretty happy. i turned 35 a week ago…and not very gracefully. this birthday came on the wings of a big family transition and i’ve been feeling lost & sad. i am hoping to bottle the peace & simplicity of this morning and have it sustain me all day. and maybe even tomorrow too?
change is good, right? i started the happiness project by gretchen rubin. so far so good, although i had to shed my dour countenance. i am really trying to believe that what is coming is better than what has been. it’s difficult. when you are really on the edge, cleaning the refrigerator works wonders. it’s a step in the right direction & i now know exactly where the wine is.
i am staring myself down today. remembering choices and assigning blame. i generally dwell in a place that forgives…where life experience is valued, despite the hardships endured. today i am thinking about time passed and opportunities wasted, never realized. i marvel at my own fear and wonder if this will be the year to break those bonds? in many ways i have lived the unconventional life and yet now it just seems like a sad excuse, a way to glorify bad choices. my neuroses are prolific. i am afraid of public expression, regardless of the form. i am afraid of judgment.
today i am in conflict. i went on a 5 mile run this morning. that felt great. i took frankie to her 18 month check up and when i returned home she went down for a nap. perfect, right? i constantly struggle with being at home with my child. i feel fortunate…so fortunate that i feel guilty 90% of the time. when the boys were wee ones, i had a pet sitting business and i worked with them strapped to my back much of the day. so, i constantly feel guilty…despite the fact that parenting all day (and a baby!) is super hard work. anyhow, i had a list of things to do. 1) sewing projects 2) gardening (moving 2 yds of dirt from driveway to garden beds) 3) finishing chris guillebeau’s the art of non-conformity (totally awesome book, ironically about moving forward). i spent the first hour of frankie’s nap checking my email (technically in the work category/all oya no kai, inc. crap) and then spent another wasted half hour thinking about the 3 things at the top of my list. finally, in complete conflict, i turned to this. writing about my conflict to avoid tasks at hand. ahhh, i feel somewhat better now. the baby just woke up, so i will leave with pictures of my garden…maybe that will motivate me.
Here are the garden beds we built a few weeks ago:
Here is a view from my studio:
this was our third year at westwind. the first year i was newly pregnant, feeling ill & fragile. the second year frankie was incredibly needy & aidan was having breakdowns every 30 seconds. this year was truly amazing. micah and i traded franks back and forth seamlessly, aidan had an emotionally even experience and ethan i saw only briefly during meals. sarah, alison, teresa and i hiked up to high meadow on saturday. my awesome ladies watched frankie for me on sunday so i could hike cascade head child free! all in all we enjoyed ourselves immensely and i look forward to next year! a very special thank you to steve.